The Secret to Holding Students Accountable WITHOUT Damaging Relationships

By Mary Saylor, M. Ed.

 Have you ever hesitated to hold a student accountable because you were worried it would damage your relationship with them?

Let me stop ya right there.

I’ll be the first to admit—there was a time I didn’t believe it was possible. I thought I had to choose between running a structured classroom or building meaningful relationships with students.

Turns out… that was a lie.

The truth? You can hold students to high expectations and still create a positive classroom culture built on trust and connection. But it takes hard work and a proven strategy. I finally had a breakthrough when I realized that letting my students slide with poor behaviors sent the underlying message that I didn’t believe they were capable of more.

Cody’s Story: When Accountability Built a Relationship

I once had a student—let’s call him Cody—who was a chronic task avoider.

One day, I caught him in class, hoodie pulled up, sneaking “Rocky” (of all things!) on his phone instead of working. I was frustrated, and I’ll be honest—I did not self-regulate the way I should have. I took him out into the hallway and chewed him out.

But in the middle of that heated moment, I did ONE thing right.

I looked at him and said, “Quit trying to convince me that you can’t do this stuff! I know that you can! Now let’s GO!”

It wasn’t a perfect teaching moment by a looong shot. But for some reason, on that day, it worked for Cody.

He walked back into the classroom, opened his notebook, and got to work. Not only did he finish his assignment—he scored a 90% on the vocabulary test. Later, he came back to me and said, “Mrs. Saylor, I’ve never gotten an A on anything in my life.”

That moment taught me something I’ll never forget: effective classroom management doesn’t mean lowering expectations—it means showing students you believe in them. 

3 Phrases That Hold Students Accountable and Build Trust

Since then, I’ve learned that the way we respond in those moments matters just as much as the expectations we set. Here are three simple phrases that can flip the script in your classroom:

✨ “You’re capable of more than this.”
Instead of lowering the bar, remind students that you see their potential—even when they don’t.

✨ “I care too much about you to let this slide.”
This shifts discipline away from punishment and frames it as an act of support.

✨ “You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to try.”
This makes accountability feel attainable and encourages effort over avoidance. 

These phrases may seem small, but the message they carry is huge: I believe in you. I won’t give up on you.

Why This Works

When you combine high expectations with clear communication, you build:

• Respect (students know you mean what you say)

• Trust (they know you won’t give up on them)

• Motivation (because they see you believe in their success)

And when you repeat this approach consistently, accountability doesn’t harm your relationships—it strengthens them. 

Want to Go Deeper?

These strategies were just the beginning. Once I shifted my mindset, my entire classroom culture changed—and it’s exactly what I teach step-by-step inside Classroom Management Bootcamp.

If you’ve ever struggled with finding the balance between connection and control, this course gives you the proven strategies (and scripts) to create a classroom where students respect the rules and feel supported.

👉 Learn more the Bootcamp HERE.

Photo Credits: 

Photo by Annika Gordon on Unsplash

Photo by Jack-o-Hara on Unsplash

Photo by Dima Solomin on Unsplash